Not a Game for Old Men

When I think about it, golf is really not a game for old men. So why do they do it? Because they can, and don’t have much else to do. They’re living out their earlier lives when they were young, strong and could occasionally play a good round.

When I began playing golf, everyone carried a bag with far more clubs in it than were ever used. Sissies pushed their bags in a wheeled cart. Motorized golf carts were rare and way too expensive back then. Green fees were $7 after 3:00 p.m., the only time I had to play. Now it’s $40-$60 or more at an inexpensive muni course.

Yes, you could say it is for the exercise, but the only exercise involved is in getting out of the cart, walking a few steps to the tee box or green, and then back to the cart again. You could get the same exercise by climbing in and out of your car in your driveway and walking back and forth to your front door, for free!

It’s really objectionable to have all these old men on the course. They can’t hit the ball very far. When they do, it’s often off the fairway, so that means spending a lot of time looking for lost balls in roughs, creeks and ponds or fishing balls out of them so they don’t need to buy new ones.

When they finally get to the green, they spend a lot of time looking at their lie — often so far from the hole it would be a miracle if it went in. If they do finally get the ball into the hole — and that’s a big “if” because everything within 3-4 feet of the hole is a “gimmie” (a shot they’d only make one out of five times) — then they have to get it out. Bending over is not one of their strengths so the sound effects of knees, hips and other joints, plus their gasps and grunts are not pleasant to hear.

Next, they argue about their score for the hole as they waddle back to their electric carts. Thankfully, none walk the course, even with a pushcart. But you should hear the new math they use! “I had a par,” one says, when I counted two over for them.

If they’re playing for money, it takes another five minutes on the green to argue about who won. I’d give a $5 bill just to get them moving!

So what’s the beef? My greatest concern is that I’m one of them and someday won’t be able to play with them!